I woke from a dream just now and I was compelled to get out of bed and write about it.
In this dream I was in an abusive marriage. I tried to confront this man and while he made sure that others couldn't see what was going on he made it clear he would continue to harm me for as long as he felt like it. I tried to tell my bosses and they laughed, saying they knew and didn't care. Badly bruised on my ribcage where no one could I see I went in to the parking lot resigned to going home to this man. There was my husband (only in my dream he wasn't my husband). He said I know what's going on and I am going to help you. Why? I asked. Because it's the right thing to do, he replied. He took the keys to my minivan and when I got in the back of it my babies where there. The hatch was open and I climbed in the trunk to close it, as we drove. It was then I saw we where being chased by my abusive husband. Jesse drove through parking lots, side streets and finally we lost him. I stared out the back of the window and was overcome with the feeling that through all of his bravery that I was going to be found and when I was, I was going to return to this marriage and continue to be hurt, simply because, as Jesse said in my dream, it was the right thing to do.
I woke up feeling "That's NOT FAIR". I have always been really passionate about that... things being fair. I remember getting mad as a child and saying that while stomping my foot... and my dad looking at me, amused, but with a little sadness in his eyes , "Jennifer, who told you life was fair?". Every single time, that is what he said. I felt, deep down, what a cop out and he just didn't understand how upset this made me. The ironic thing is I have made an effort to teach my children, just that, and I find myself saying exactly what my dad told me to them. They aren't entitled to something just because one of their siblings got or earned it. It's a hard lesson to learn and one they and I struggle with.
So, my thoughts turned to "true justice" where we would all be held to a higher standard and life would truly be "fair' and I realized quickly that would SUCK. Because, I am flawed, profoundly, as we all are. To have to fairly "pay" for all the wrong I have done, all the mistakes I have made would be simply awful. Then I realized that Jesus paid for all that wrong, so I don't have too... and that's not FAIR! Why should anyone else have to pay for MY bad stuff? And then I realized that if I got what I really deserved all the time... well, that would be painful sometimes, wonderful at others, but always fair. And for the first time, I realized that I am GLAD that life isn't fair. I didn't and don't deserve anything good that comes my way simply because I am here, but God doesn't see it like, Jesus doesn't see it like that. They see forgiveness, they see love, they see my flawed, hopeful heart and they love me anyway.
I may never be able to let go of my foot stomping "THAT'S NOT FAIR" but for the first time, I realized I am actually GLAD life isn't fair.
Thank You Heavenly Father, for walking me through that. Your Grace isn't Fair and I thank you so very much for that. Amen.