It's not fair...

I woke from a dream just now and  I was compelled to get out of bed and write about it.
In this dream I was in an abusive marriage. I tried to confront this man and while he made sure that others couldn't see what was going on he made it clear he would continue to harm me for as long as he felt like it. I tried to tell my bosses and they laughed, saying they knew and didn't care. Badly bruised on my ribcage where no one could I see I went in to the parking lot resigned to going home to this man. There was my husband (only in my dream he wasn't my husband). He said I know what's going on and I am going to help you. Why? I asked. Because it's the right thing to do, he replied. He took the keys to my minivan and when I got in the back of it my babies where there. The hatch was open and I climbed in the trunk to close it, as we drove. It was then I saw we where being chased by my abusive husband. Jesse drove through parking lots, side streets and finally we lost him. I stared out the back of the window and was overcome with the feeling that through all of his bravery that I was going to be found and when I was, I was going to return to this marriage and continue to be hurt, simply because, as Jesse said in my dream, it was the right thing to do.

I woke up feeling "That's NOT FAIR". I have always been really passionate about that... things being fair. I remember getting mad as a child and saying that while stomping my foot... and my dad looking at me, amused, but with a little sadness in his eyes , "Jennifer, who told you life was fair?". Every single time, that is what he said. I felt, deep down, what a cop out and he just didn't understand how upset this made me. The ironic thing is I have made an effort to teach my children, just that, and I find myself saying exactly what my dad told me to them. They aren't entitled to something just because one of their siblings got or earned it. It's a hard lesson to learn and one they and I struggle with.

So, my thoughts turned to "true justice" where we would all be held to a higher standard and life would truly be "fair' and I realized quickly that would SUCK. Because, I am flawed, profoundly, as we all are. To have to fairly "pay" for all the wrong I have done, all the mistakes I have made would be simply awful. Then I realized that Jesus paid for all that wrong, so I don't have too... and that's not FAIR! Why should anyone else have to pay for MY bad stuff? And then I realized that if I got what I really deserved all the time... well, that would be painful sometimes, wonderful at others, but always fair. And for the first time, I realized that I am GLAD that life isn't fair. I didn't and don't deserve anything good that comes my way simply because I am here, but God doesn't see it like, Jesus doesn't see it like that. They see forgiveness, they see love, they see my flawed, hopeful heart and they love me anyway. 
I may never be able to let go of my foot stomping "THAT'S NOT FAIR" but for the first time, I realized I am actually GLAD life isn't fair.

Thank You Heavenly Father, for walking me through that. Your Grace isn't Fair and I thank you so very much for that. Amen.

Ariya's Area

Heath came over to have me take pictures of Gracie in a dress she made. We wound up putting it on Ari and I got a few shots. I was trying out my black backdrop, had a headache and for some reason my auto-focus was giving me trouble, so I don't think they are very good, BUT, what can I say?  My kid is a adorable and Heath did a great job on the dress, so it's worth sharing.

 

 

Gracie is going to be a big sister in 4 more months!

Trinny....

is still alive, just not being terribly cooperative at picture time recently. Here are a few I managed to get her to "pose" for. She is funny, sweet, a little quirky and NEVER stops moving! So, yeah, she is a prettier version of her brother, lol. 

 

Memory of the Day...

Ariya is toddling around the house singing, Coooooori, La Lu! Cooooori, Coooori. LAAAAAA LUUUUU! (La Lu is I love you).

She's cracking all of us up! She's so freakin' cute!

And Now she is banging on the laundry room door, calling CORI.... Door!

No, baby, she's not there, she's home with baby Vinnie.

She's replies, K, but is undeterred, waiting patiently by the door and singing, dubba dubba da...

and now, she is toddling around looking for Vinnie, calling, Baby! Baaaby!

makes a detour to unfold some freshly folded laundry to refold it "properly".  No wait, apparently that didn't meet her cleanliness standards because it went back in the pile.

Uh, oh, gotta go rescue a kitten...

Some Other Random Pictures....

I took a bunch of pictures off my memory card and realized I am WAY behind, LOL. I have pictures from Fall, Cori's baby shower, Christmas, and everything in between I took and meant to share. So in the interest of playing catch up (and making Grandma VERY happy!), Here are some random pictures from the last few months. I will be posting more as I process them, so look for new pictures every other day or so (that's my goal, anyway!).

The last pictures I took of Ari before I gave her bangs... that barrette stayed in for the fifteen minutes it took to take these pictures. She's such a booger, though, because she wore a barrette ALLLLLL day long the day after I cut her bangs.... that's Daddy's Little Girl, right there!

 

These are the moments that I fully grasp the reality that our Father in Heaven loves Me... 

It's so incredibly amazing and humbling. 

 

Little Vinnie, snoozing away today. He didn't feel well, poor little cherub :( Feverish and sleepy. Cori is taking him to the pediatrician (Apple Dr. Gate) in the morning. 

Snowstorm Pics....

 

Our Backyard-Check out the hammock!

 

That's our Firepit!

 

Our side yard fence is under that snowdrift!

 

Our First Day...

With Vinnie! Cori went back to work today :( ... she was so sad. BUT, the bright spot is we get to watch Vinnie 4 days a week!
It was exhausting and joyful!
Ari went back and forth between claiming him as HER baby while ordering us all away from him and trying to shove him off my lap, LOL. She wanted to share all of her food with him, steal his bottle and hold him. She dragged a pillow over to the foot of his swing and sat on it to watch him sleep while she noshed on goldfish... when she tired of that she took it upon herself to wake him up so he could further entertain her. She was too funny!  By the end of the day she was tired of sharing her mommy and I had more babies than arms/lap.... isn't that the best?!
Vinnie is adorable and sweet, of course... he really likes Jesse's deep voice and Talyn's antics- he smiled and babbled at both of them. Talyn, Sylver and Trin all argued over who got to do what for him, which I hope doesn't wear off too quickly!
I took pictures of our record setting snowstorm. I will try to upload them tomorrow, before we get another foot or two!
I am going to bed... before midnight!

Famous Last Words...

Remember the last post where I said, Praise God I got sick last week because I couldn't imagine caring for everyone else while sick, too. Well, I just HAD to say it, didn't I?

I relapsed, really really badly. Jesse asked me, the first time I had it, if I wanted him to take me to the hospital.... if he and Talyn hadn't been so sick, this time I would have let him actually do it. It was bad. I am recovering, but I really can't believe how weak I feel. It's the strangest feeling, for me.  Everyone else is on the mend, but I feel a wet overcooked noodle. 


My husband's answer to my puzzlement at being able to get the same virus twice within a week was,
Well, you didn't rest enough the first time....

Brilliant.

Why didn't I think of that?

That is sarcasm... but if I really think about about it, it's funny how sometimes the most obvious, easy answer is right. And how often we make it more complicated than it should ever be.

We are snowed in for the weekend. It started a few hours ago and it's so beautiful and peaceful...

So, I will Praise God for that blessing and accept His Call to Be Still and Rest.

In the Thick of It....

A nasty stomach virus and septic water, that is.
BLECH!!

The kids have all had a nasty stomach virus. First Sylver and Ari, which resulted in a 24 hour day of washing linens, bathing children, and just being in mommy nurse mode. Trin got it yesterday and tonight Talyn, who NEVER gets sick, came down with it. I had it first, last Sunday, Praise God! I can't imagine caring for everyone else feeling that bad!

To add insult to injury the laundry room sink backed up with septic water- NASTY!!!!!! I had to call the state sewer people and they came out at 11pm last night only to inform us it wasn't their problem.

banging my head against a wall.

So, until we figure out what the problem is and how to fix I can't do the laundry, some of which needs to go through a sanitary cycle because of the above mentioned virus...

and Life Marches On.