Cha-Cha-Changes....

When I started this blog I anticipated it being a baby book of sorts for my children. There are so many little things they do and say that make up my days that trying to capture some for when my memory will inevitably fail seemed like a nice gift to give them, as well as Jess and I. Now, I am going to document something that is for me, and in a smaller way, them, to remember. Talyn will remember everything, as will Sylver, in the hazy way that children do and it will shape who they become, whether they are aware of it or not. Trinity will have fuzzy memories and Ari will never know a life where her mom was "normal"... although I become more convinced every single day that normal does not exist except in the minds of television writers and misled teenagers.
I decided in April, when God gifted us with health insurance after 4 long years without it to get my health in order while I could. I had been diagnosed with stage 1 Chronic Renal Failure when I was pregnant with Ari. Although I had exhibited symptoms with all of my pregnancies, with Ari they where severe. Every test that could be safely run during pregnancy was run with no definitive answers. This left no hope of a definitive cause or treatment without a kidney biopsy after the pregnancy. Fast forward two years, and I was finally able to follow up. I was left with a dilemma, though... pre-existing condition. In 2010 a person can still be denied treatment for a "pre-existing condition". My children, I hope that when you are reading this as adults, that sounds as inhumane as it actually is. So, I needed to be "diagnosed" in my new state and because no biopsy was ever done, I could do so with the assumption that the prior "diagnosis" was a pregnancy related condition. I pondered this problem, turned it over and over in my head and tried to come up with a plan. I handed it over to God, and asked, what should I do. He answered in a way I didn't expect. Weight Loss Surgery... wait, I said, that's a stretch... what does that have to do with kidney disease? Isn't that for people too lazy to diet and exercise? People too unhealthy to change themselves? Let me show you My Plan, He spoke to my heart. And He did. He showed me specialists, people, and circumstance that He planned perfectly, for me. The entire time, I doubted, I feared, I cowered, but I listened and followed. I watched in wonder as barriers, tests and constraints became nothing. I felt Him take my fear and replace it with hope. I learned through the process that my kidney disease had progressed to the point that I would need dialysis in the next decade, I learned my kidneys had begun depleting something in my system that caused my body to be unable to properly process my cholesterol, thus even with no other markers for heart disease my cholesterol was 317, and I learned that if I didn't do something drastic, soon and permanent my life was going to slowly decay in to an abyss of illness, fatigue, and eventually death. I learned that 2% of people who have 100lbs or more to lose are able to lose the weight and keep it off 5 years later. TWO percent...Those odds are sobering. No wonder the diet and exercise industry is so profitable!! I'm tough, I'm athletic, I'm smart... but the odds of me turning this around by myself where severely stacked against me. I expected, at some point, a doctor to say to me, well try diet and exercise one more time... but all I got from everyone, PCP, pulmonologist, cardiologist, nutritionist, nephrologist, was, "Please get this surgery, as soon as possible, because all we can do at this point is try to control the descent of your disease". I knew it was medically necessary when I obtained a copy of the nephrologist report to my PCP... I was shocked by what I read there and it is the only reason I could hold on with all my might, take a deep breath and just get through it. If I had gone looking for bariatric surgery out of vanity or laziness, the unbelievable fear going in would have turned me away before I got two steps in the door. This is not easy, this is not without risk, but it is what I have chosen and what I believe with all my heart that God chose for me.
That's how I arrived at last week. The week before my Gastric Bypass Surgery was scheduled. 
So, for two days before you go in for surgery you have to go on a clear, sugar free liquid diet. It was TORTURE. I couldn't stomach (ha ha!) chicken broth and I still can't. Jesse said when he came home the first night I was slurring my speech really badly, like I had been drinking. But no, because while a clear liquid, Vodka is actually NOT allowed (I asked, LOL). He ordered me the soup base from my favorite Chinese restaurant and it totally saved me. MUCH better. Still by Thursday I was weak, tired and CRANKY. Jess actually asked if he could stop and get something to eat on the way to the hospital- he got the look of death and quickly said, Sorry, hun.
The day of surgery, I had to be at the hospital at noon. My surgery was scheduled for 2pm. I got there 10 minutes late, cause, well, "It's Jennie time, everywhere, right?" I forgot I was tired, weak, and cranky and started pacing and chewing my nails. They gowned me up and took me back to start an IV... I am a very hard stick. By the time that was done they let Jesse come back. We held hands and talked and I remembered I hadn't called my mom. I called her and told her I loved her and no sooner than we had hung up and they said it was time to go. I wasn't sobbing, but I was crying. Leaking, really. The tears just wouldn't stop. I kept wondering if I was going to leave my family behind and would they be ok without me? In my heart of hearts I wanted to jump up and say, Nope, changed my mind, Let's go grab some lunch. God held me down. I wanted to get up SO BAD. They wheeled me down the hall and gave me something to relax me, which made me cry more (nice, thanks!). I was sitting in the hallway for a moment, by myself and I looked over to the left and there was a door that said "Cardiac Catheterization Unit" and the door in front of me said, "Bariatric Surgery Unit"... I looked at them several times, because I couldn't quite believe the irony... my dad has had heart surgery several times. God said "You can take that door now, or this door later, but trust me when I tell you MY Plan is better than yours".

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

They wheeled me through the door and still I cried. The nurses had me get on the surgery table, wiped my tears, gave me some more relaxation meds and then I thought, NO NO NO, I can't do this!! I have to get up NOW....
Then I woke up, to the most searing, unimaginable pain I have ever felt in my life. A pain so profound that I feel like it changed who I am on some very basic level. I can't think of it even now without feeling the cold fear that I might ever feel that again. I don't know if there was a "gap" between the anesthesia and the IV after surgery drugs, but from what I understand what happened to me isn't normal. I could hear myself screaming and crying and begging for my mother.... please help me Please. I could hear people rushing around me, but all I could feel was stab wounds and burning and agony and nausea like I have never felt. I felt the tears streaming down my face, but I couldn't see anything. I heard them telling me to breath, while I hyperventilated, I heard them telling me to just give the pain meds a chance to work and finally I felt someone lean in, put her hand on my forehead, whisper in a loving, calming voice, Honey, you have to stop, please, your breaking my heart. I calmed, moaned for my mom through the pain, thought "God what have I done? I can't take this back!!" Then I woke up in my room. Jess was there, I think, but I can't really remember. The first day was awful. A haze of pain, nausea, medication and sleep. I made myself get up several times and walk up the hallway back and forth while I dry heaved, because I knew it would make me heal faster. I had the nurses following me and offering me a wheelchair and I told them, No, please, I just have to work through this. I could walk further and further every time without dry heaving and it was such a victory. Jess couldn't visit until 9 pm on Friday, so I spent the day alone, fighting my battles, and I think, in hindsight, it was a good thing. I relied on myself and God and I was shown a strength I still don't think I have :) Izzy came and sat with me for awhile, brought me flowers and a balloon. We cried together, talked together and when she left she hugged me, gently!, and told me that I am the bravest soul she has ever known. Thank You, Iz. I wasn't feeling brave, just battered. 

Saturday, Dr. Wynn left it up to me whether I could go home or not. Because I had  such extreme nausea the day before I hadn't progressed at all on the diet they ask you to do to show you can tolerate and keep down food. I realized that might be a problem around 9 pm, so every two hours at night I got up, paced my room and drank two oz of water. When she came I showed her how much I was able to drink and she agreed I could go home at 6:30 a.m. I finally made it home around 10 ish. As I was being wheeled out I heard the nurses in one of the nurses stations talking about how they had just wheeled a girl up to the dialysis unit and that she would be gone for several hours.... wow, just wow.

As we drove home, I cried. Yes, that's a lot of crying, but the surgery gives you some kind of hormonal surge thing that makes you a little more emotional than you might otherwise be. I cried for all the people who do this because they don't feel like they are good enough, I cried for all the people who do this, take the gamble and lose and I cried for the loss of my "normal". This is a totally new life, there is no turning back and if I screw this up I have No Where To Go. NONE. This is my one and only chance to turn this around. This is a gift and I am going to treat it as such every day for the rest of my life.

And hopefully, this will help me remember what I had to go through to get here.

It's not fair...

I woke from a dream just now and  I was compelled to get out of bed and write about it.
In this dream I was in an abusive marriage. I tried to confront this man and while he made sure that others couldn't see what was going on he made it clear he would continue to harm me for as long as he felt like it. I tried to tell my bosses and they laughed, saying they knew and didn't care. Badly bruised on my ribcage where no one could I see I went in to the parking lot resigned to going home to this man. There was my husband (only in my dream he wasn't my husband). He said I know what's going on and I am going to help you. Why? I asked. Because it's the right thing to do, he replied. He took the keys to my minivan and when I got in the back of it my babies where there. The hatch was open and I climbed in the trunk to close it, as we drove. It was then I saw we where being chased by my abusive husband. Jesse drove through parking lots, side streets and finally we lost him. I stared out the back of the window and was overcome with the feeling that through all of his bravery that I was going to be found and when I was, I was going to return to this marriage and continue to be hurt, simply because, as Jesse said in my dream, it was the right thing to do.

I woke up feeling "That's NOT FAIR". I have always been really passionate about that... things being fair. I remember getting mad as a child and saying that while stomping my foot... and my dad looking at me, amused, but with a little sadness in his eyes , "Jennifer, who told you life was fair?". Every single time, that is what he said. I felt, deep down, what a cop out and he just didn't understand how upset this made me. The ironic thing is I have made an effort to teach my children, just that, and I find myself saying exactly what my dad told me to them. They aren't entitled to something just because one of their siblings got or earned it. It's a hard lesson to learn and one they and I struggle with.

So, my thoughts turned to "true justice" where we would all be held to a higher standard and life would truly be "fair' and I realized quickly that would SUCK. Because, I am flawed, profoundly, as we all are. To have to fairly "pay" for all the wrong I have done, all the mistakes I have made would be simply awful. Then I realized that Jesus paid for all that wrong, so I don't have too... and that's not FAIR! Why should anyone else have to pay for MY bad stuff? And then I realized that if I got what I really deserved all the time... well, that would be painful sometimes, wonderful at others, but always fair. And for the first time, I realized that I am GLAD that life isn't fair. I didn't and don't deserve anything good that comes my way simply because I am here, but God doesn't see it like, Jesus doesn't see it like that. They see forgiveness, they see love, they see my flawed, hopeful heart and they love me anyway. 
I may never be able to let go of my foot stomping "THAT'S NOT FAIR" but for the first time, I realized I am actually GLAD life isn't fair.

Thank You Heavenly Father, for walking me through that. Your Grace isn't Fair and I thank you so very much for that. Amen.

Can You Help Me Find This?

Found :) 

Brandi's Challenge... or Insomnia Sucks

Brandi, my sweet, talented, enormously cool Sister In Law, challenged us to post random facts about ourselves a couple of days ago. 

I want Jesse to do his and I have done it for most of the kids already, so that just leaves me. It's 2 am-why not? LOL

1. I HATE feet. Yes, hate them. They skeeve me out, gross me out and give me the heebie jeebies all in one. The only exception is baby feet, but only for the first 18 months. After that they graduate to the status of BLECH.

2. I spent 7 years of my childhood from 5-12 in Saudia Arabia while my stepfather did contract work... my name was Jenny Baldwin, because they don't recognize step children there. I even have a passport with Jenny Baldwin on it, even though that has never been my legal name. While in their amazing education system for Americans/English I learned arabic, to play the violin, the guitar, preformed in drama clubs and was in the gifted program. This eclectic, varied, challenging and exciting way of learning is what I base our homeschooling on...  I believe our public education system is stale and outdated. It's conformity at it's worst. Dumbing Us Down

by John Gotto is a must read. 

3. I swam competitively from age 5 until high school. Swimming is meditation. I love it, and if I had a lap pool I would do it every day. I hate to swim in the ocean, lakes or rivers though... if I can't see the bottom I don't want to do it. And sometimes if I CAN see the bottom I still don't want to do it, just ask Jesse about snorkeling over the sunken battleship in Aruba! 

4. I won't watch scary movies or movies with sad endings. I read movie spoilers to determine whether or not a movie is worth watching. I even read the first and last chapters of books to see if they are worth the time... why? That brings me to my next random fact...

5. I hate surprises. A Lot. Even good ones. Which drives Jesse and Heather batty because I have some kind of super sonic surprise radar and ruin all surprises. Case in point.... the night before my surprise baby shower for Sylver I dreamt about it. I woke and said today is my baby shower and it's going to be at Aunt Bonnie's house and this is who is going to be there.... HAHAHAHAHA! Jesse and Heath where SO irritated, LOL. 

6. I grew up with no religion. None. In Saudia Arabia they only allow the Muslim religion. Only the Koran is allowed in their country... and they are VERY strict about it. very. When I came back to the states I explored pretty much all religions, Buddism, Wicca, Atheism, and while I found bit and pieces to be intriguing and interesting nothing ever 'stuck'. Kind of like diets. I have been a Christian for 8 years now, thanks in no small part to seeds planted by my husband and my mother in law, and my Grace Filled Heavenly Father. Funny, how Truth not only sticks but grows. God amazes me every. single. day. 

7. I lived a year in the Dahlonega Georgia Blue Ridge Mountains (7th grade), home of the first US Gold Rush. I rode horses bareback through woods and in to rivers, I mucked stalls, I bathed in the aforementioned rivers, I stepped on snakes, saw tornadoes and came to the conclusion that I suck at all that stuff except riding horses. 

8. I can't dance. I don't even think I can. But I love to do it. And watch it. Dancing With The Stars would be the perfect show if it weren't for that surprise ending, LOL.  The kids and I often take dance breaks during the day. My kids have rhythm too! But they don't get it from me... or Jesse. Strange really. (just teasing baby!)

9. I only watch stupid sitcoms-Scrubs, My Name is Earl, George Lopez, and 3rd Rock From the Sun. Titus was one of my all time favorites! I love stand up comedy and occasionally can be suckered in to something else, but if I am going to sit in front of the TV I better be laughing, other wise I might as well surf the net. I actually really like CSI and Without a Trace, but that whole surprise thing makes them almost torturous. 

10. Five is my favorite number. Blue is my favorite color. And Jesse is my favorite husband ;)

11. I don't drink at all anymore. It gives me an almost instant headache. I SO love pina colodas, sangria, cosmos and appletinis... But they hurt too much.  It's probably to do with CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease), but I'm not certain. Just know it hurts :(

12. I have been on a personal quest to be as honest and truthful as I can be ALL of the time for the last couple of years. When I first started paying attention I was amazed at how many small white lies or lies by omission I told to make life easier or to avoid confrontation or hurting someone's feelings. And I thought I was a pretty honest person! I still slip every so often... but I feel it like a dead weight on my heart when I do. I thought truth was a pretty grey area before embarking on this quest. I'm often surprised at how black and white it really is.  My motivation in the beginning was simple.... I wanted to honor my God who shows me Truth every day. In following this path I have grown and learned so much that I might have missed otherwise. It seems so simple, just tell the truth. But once you start to pay attention you realize that it's work to be honest, but it also makes life MUCH simpler. Nothing to remember, feel guilty about or justify. It also make decision making much easier.... if there is dishonesty involved, generally that's the answer I need. 

I think a dozen will do!

Going to Bed Now.... Honest ;)